self-reflection & the subsequent waaa waaas

the lack of blogging is not an indication of the dullness of my world & the lack of worthy things to write bout. if anything, it's the exact opposite.

since my last post, i've started about five separate entries on five separate occasions, with fingers itching to spill spill spill & preserve words, emotions & the whiteness of afterthoughts. the thing is, i take this process of preservation very seriously (lame, i know). much like the egyptians just couldn't skip brain-extractions-through-nostrils & proper embalming, & still call it 'mummification', i can't just write one dismissive sentence on things momentous & expect to feel fulfilled with my blogging quota.

if i can't write about something with the depth & the justice it needs, i'd much rather scrap it to the legions of my memory instead. aaaaaand this is probably (& unsurprisingly) called being obsessive compulsive in most modern societies, BUT THIS IS JUST HOW THIS NIKSTER TICKS, OKAY.

anyway, last week i was privy to something momentous, something set in motion through my own accord. it took a lot of sleepless nights of fine tuning of words, anxiety, tears, but most of all, conviction. it wasn't momentous for what it was; it was momentous because for once, i acted on something i believed in. complete honesty is a terrifying thing... but as fulfilling in its wake.

i did establish that this was going to be a long post, but i'm much too drained to even get to the guts of what this post was going to be about. in order to really clear my head & start fresh with this new year, i wanted to list & acknowledge the things that are weighing me down, as well as list & acknowledge the things that will keep me optimistic this new year. maybe tomorrow. it's for my personal clarity, more than anything.

for now, i leave with the enthralling parting words of, "I WANT MY GYM GLOVES BACK".
i left my gloves at the gym several weeks ago, & proceeded to check lost & found the next day. no luck. the other day, my mother saw someone wearing my sweaty, bacteria-ridden, iron-pumping gloves.

i fully emphasise that they were my gloves because i bought them overseas two years ago & hence that style was & is not procurable in australia. :(

speaking of endorphins, eating gives me the same kind of satisfaction as working out. the following are visual representations of what i ate & what i didn't eat at the bakery's christmas party dinner. the chicken rigattoni in spinach cream sauce was absolutely divine! & the chocolate drenched waffle & my mouth missed the chance at some sweet, sweet procreation because i stupidly ordered the apple & rhubarb crumble... which tasted like crappy porridge, & hence, does NOT deserve a picture. hmph.

& because people are sometimes fun to look at, here is rose hiding behind her hands because apparently she likes monkeys (her shirt told me so), plus renata & i being gangster, or maybe just odd.

david who approached me today, if you're reading this, which you probably aren't, thank you very much for conversation. i can't tell you how much i appreciated a little boost of faith in humanity (:

basically, at work, this man (to be later known as david), approached the counter & said, "you're hilarious!" i assumed he had seen me dancing & prancing around the bakery, generally fulfilling the dictionary definition of 'strange'. instead, he spoke of how i had served him the other day & how i looked familiar & it clicked when he saw my face on youtube. he was just incredibly encouraging & lovely & telling me to quit wasting my time at the bakery & get the hell on out to where i can play with talents. it was just unexpected & refreshing. in all honesty, i have been feeling sensitive about all the recent negativity on my videos mainly because of the circumstances i've got on my plate at the moment. the straw may be almost weightless, but eventually there will be the one that breaks the back. my inability to brush nasty words aside with grace are these straws right now, & as superficial as this may sound, david's validation & dismissal of those people... could not have come at a better time.

anyway, exhausted, exhausted.
one fourteen a.m. & i need to get up bright & early to do some laundry before i jet off to le bakery. again. i used to love christmas until i started working in retail. ugh. happy freaking thursday.


  1. I love your blog, it's wonderful.

  2. Hm, I like your writing. I shall be back.

  3. Your episode of acting on something you believed in is inspiring. Figuring out what you stand, and how much ambiguity you're willing to put up with is important. Priorities too. In my experience, giving too much priority to too many people leads to hurt.

    Validation even if from somebody you've only met once can be all the encouragement you need to get on with things.

    What kind of Gym Gloves are they? Do you need somebody to look out for a new pair? I humbly offer myself but I just might think twice once the shipping costs are present.

    Christmas is great. Then again it is in my birth month so I might be a bit biased. Stress around Christmas can be particularly nasty though. Just think of those few days likely starting around the 24th when friends and family are in a generally jovial mood.

    I might have just offended a bunch of people online by 1. Posing the question "Who is your favorite Nazi" and 2. Questioning the intentions and images presented by charities today and in the past.

    So Ultimately,

    Merry Christmas Nikki, one way or the other, you never fail to put a smile on my face.

  4. I enjoy reading your blog Nikki,
    be my muse; please? :P

    Youtube comments are hilariously awful (this is so true: Most people would never dream of saying some of the shit they do without that comforting shroud of anonymity. So take comfort that there's still some decent bipedal primates out there.

    @RnB: Hermann Goering for sure

  5. @ Sean: Joseph Goebbels because he really understood the nature of media and the usage of new technology to spread a message.

    If he was living today he'd be a media baron.

  6. I love the way you articulate things. Blogs are absolutely AWESOME and it saddens me to know that it is also a dying art. One day it shall be revived and the world will make sense once again ;)

    You are fantastic through and through. Love love!

  7. you so interesting that's why i keep reading your blog

  8. Nikki, don't ever take what mean spirited malicious people say to heart. They're cowards, and they are trying to get to your sprit. Don't give them anything.

    you know you have talent. keeping being yourself inspite of it all.

    Accept love
    for it is anyone's from above.
    Be responsible, there can be no "but..."s
    Even if you've had enough
    Even if you've had enough

    - Myrddin Utagen

  9. the last few days of christmas are always shitty for me. to many drivers (who are unworthy of the privlige) about. and where i live christmas brings out the worst in people.
    and about the words of others. it is not so easy to get past them. i am guilty of allowing them to have an undue amount of influance. and i hope you have a better time getting past them than i have had.
    from what i have gathered from your blogs and youtube videos you seem to be an awsome person. and if i am to believe what aznfreak87 says about you, then you are atleast 10 differant kinds.