Fresh? I think not.

Hey blogosphere, happy 2010!

So I realise that my greeting is nineteen days overdue, making it far from timely and thus effectively worthless, but as my Dad likes to say, "Better late than pregnant!"

Haw haw haw.

Blogger informs me that there are currently in excess of 150 of you subscribed to this verbal wasteland. When did this happen?! (And why are you all so silent...? "LET THERE BE NOISE!" she proclaimed...)

I haven't written for longer than a month now. I'd like to say my absence was because of full time dedication to an abundance of mirth in the real world and just generally swaying along to the ebb and flow of a fruitfully busy time. And yeah, to an extent, it's true - the last month or so has included-but-was-not-limited-to: fondue and strawberry wine parties, watching wonderful jazz gigs, band hero nights, bringing my exercise regime up to almost half-duathlon standards, frantically job hunting, and working closely on musical repertoire for a duo act. But despite all this, there's always been room to blog. If there's been room for facebook tetris (of which I keep consistently annihilating my old scores, by the way) then there's certainly been room to blog.

The truth is, circumstance has been less than favourable. 

I generally like to keep my posts light and irrelevant (much like Owl City's musical merit, sorry). But like Hayley mentions in her comeback post, I didn't want to just fill this space with picturedumps and cheerful things, and in effect, diminish the things actually worth mentioning. And I never found myself in the right headspace or with the right words to verbalise the recent occurrences.  Until now I guess.

So here...

My grandparents were supposed to spend Christmas here with us in Sydney. Prior to getting their travel visas, they needed to have some physicals done to ensure they were well and fit enough to travel. They detected an unusual mass in my grandpa's chest, and as a result, visas were not granted and their Christmas was not spent here. Minor disappointment, we agreed, as long as he was okay. 

But the previous month has seen a flurry of x-rays, scans, doc consultations, unplanned overnighters at the hospital with him attached to a catheter, and a series of increasingly worrying diagnoses. He has 'descending thoracic aneurism' and  'infrerenal aortic aneurysm' which could rupture anytime. He's essentially a ticking time bomb. Add to that 2 very clogged arteries and 1 more quickly reaching that point. Different doctors are recommending different things - 'open surgery,' says one, 'stent surgery,' says another. What remains is that something must be done. Surgery is risky to begin with. We're considering his age, we're considering the complications, and we're considering if the rest of his body (like the emphysema in his lungs) can even cope with invasive surgery. And so now, my family are grappling with the decision of choosing not to do anything, or choosing to do something which could, if complications arise, severely deteriorate his quality of life, and even hurry death.

I've been lucky. With twenty years of life under my belt, I've not had to face death - mine and anyone close to me. To me, it's a folk tale, an experience someone else somewhere else is having, and affecting me only in so far as a whisper passed into my ear. So at present, I'm emotionally and mentally unprepared about letting go. Especially letting go of my grandfather, my Lolo. We're exceptionally close, he's my biggest fan, and I have to say that a lot of my childhood was as fruitful and wonderful as it was because of him. My mother always tells me how Lolo lights up when I'm around, and the reverse is true. I'm in a good place when I'm around him. And then I get sad thinking about all of this. And the heart sighs and the chest heaves. So if you have a moment to spare, I would be very grateful for good vibes, thoughts and prayers (from those of you who pray) for my grandfather and for my family. I love him dearly.

In other news, my beloved Hannah left for Amsterdam today. I probably wont see her for the next year or so. This does not at all help my current mood. 

Recent happier times:

On that note, I also miss you very much Dadderpillar. I had your China Crisis CD on in the background while typing this up.

So there you have it. An explanation for my (unnoticed) absence and why I'm probably more introspective these days. Recent events certainly have given me some perspective. Suddenly, it doesn't matter so much anymore how much of a 'has-been' I've become on youtube. Not that, in saying this, I acknowledge that I ever was a notable, gosh no. Or that unrequited affection seems to be my destiny. Or that I'm so much farther from achieving my ideal body now than I was six months ago. It's all trivial.

So as not to completely end on a sombre note, I mentioned in the beginning of the post how I've been working on a jazz duo act with a Greek slice of pie called Ross.

Meet young Rossco.

If you're interested, here is an audio sampler (snippits of God Bless the Child, Girl from Ipanema, Summertime and Nature Boy) that features my crooning and Ross's divine guitarwork. 

We're very professional.

So to all of you toilet-roll-holders, if you read through all of this, thank you. I do hope to write in good spirits soon. Thanks for sticking around.


  1. Well there you are. Not that I would ever get worried you might leave us, but still...

    I'm sorry for the troubles in your life, but as Queen put it "I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
    About growing up and what a struggle it would be"

    because, let's face it. If anybody had told us, we would never have set one foot out of our parents' house.

    My thoughts are with you as I listen to your song "If I wrote a letter to myself" which always makes me feel insanely sad and happy at the same time.


  2. Oh Nikki the news about your grandfather is awful. I hope it works out for the best.

    Love, thoughts and prayers from the Gold Coast <3

  3. I'll be thinking of you and your Grandad. I hope it all works out and he recovers fully. Thanks for being so honest. I've always loved your blog and think you are a brilliant writer. Keep your chin up x

  4. My thoughts go out to you and your grandfather. I hope that both you and your family are able to see him through to a health recovery.

    I should also mention that I have just fallen in love with your duo's rendition of Nature Boy - it was beautiful.

  5. *Healthy recovery - my typing skills are somewhat off at twenty minutes to four in the morning.

  6. I don't remember when I subscribed to you but I found you probably through Hayley and your YouTube videos impress/amuse me so I became a blog follower. :)

    My Lolo died when I was 6 years old and because I had never been to the Philippines until his funeral & he never got the chance to visit us, I didn't ever meet him. Not that I can remember anyways. I have met my Lola several times since then though and she used to travel to visit with us sometimes too. Luckily grandparents on my dad's side are in the US so we get to see them more regularly. I understand how it is being far away from beloved family though.
    Prayers and thoughts for you and your family. <3

  7. I hope your grandfather pulls through Nikki. I luckily still have both of my grandparents on my mother's side still with us. I never knew my paternal Grandfather and my paternal Grandmother passed while I was in High School in the later mid 90s.

    In 2009, I had to go through the loss of two very dear Aunts of mine. The first was my mom's sister, in late September. It was heartbreaking, we're all really close. She also had the most wonderful, sarcastic sense of humour I've ever known. The other that passed was my Mom's cousin's wife. I have so many memories of going to visit her at their farm in Oregon. She was constantly happy and eternally hard working. She passed just before Christmas.

    Both of my Grandparents are well into their 80s. My grandfather is actually just short of 90. They've seen the births of great grand children and were married during World War II.

    Best of luck to your Grandfather. Best of luck to you and all of your endeavors...and fondue eating. It has been too long since I last went to fondue.

  8. I'm really sorry for you and your family. Just remember that sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better; the experts aren't always right.
    Good vibes and thoughts from the east coast!

  9. hope it all works out for the best possible, Nikki

    good vibes to you :)

  10. Looks like you're going through a rough time. I hope your grandad will be ok, and that you'll be ok no matter what. Thoughts go out to you, your family and your grandpa.
    Chin up!

  11. I'm so sorry to read about your sick granddad. My sympathies and best wishes to you and your family.

    On the brighter note, I look forward to hearing more Nikki songs! I have the MP3 of your song "I'm giving you a chance to walk away" on my iPod and I listen to it enough that it's in my top 100 playlist. :)

  12. My thoughts and prayers are with your Lolo and family.

    I've never really established a relationship with either one of my grandfathers, and after reading your post, it's brought back feelings of longing... I wish I was able to know them. With that being said, I was too young when I left the Philippines and they were never able to visit.

    I wish your Lolo a speedy recovery, health and happiness so he can visit you as soon as he gets better.


  13. Good blog~nice to meet u..................................................................

  14. I am glad that I haven't needed to go to too many funerals so far. My 2 grandmothers passed away relatively quickly, and there was no massive health emergency, which in a way was good. Not that I was old enough to really comprehend what was going on with dad's mother, and not that the oldies told me anything at the time. I do remember that there was an enormous funeral with everyone in white, and that the weather was abominable, being massively wet. We suspect a blood clot after flying in from HK.

    With mum's mother it was 2 years ago and I was there before and when she passed away, and I remember feeling extremely sad and somewhat numb at the time. It was a bit of a shock, as she had been fine until 2 days before when she had a fall. Her body just couldn't cope. She was 94 though, and she had 8 kids and 14 grandkids. She was only a month short of becoming a great grandmother.

    I can only say that you and your family need to think hard and you will eventually come up with the right decision. In the meantime spend as much time with him as you can. And I can say that time does heal, even though it may not seem like it at the time. Good luck to you and your family. Try not to worry too much, your grandpa won't want you to be too sad. Make sure you have some fun and laugh once in a while.

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  16. Grandparents are a tricky lot. So wonderful, and yet so often prone to, well, dying.

    Having never experienced the affection of a Grandfather, I have had to make do with my Grandmothers. One is German and moans rather a lot. The other I lived with for 2 years and smells permanently of sherry.

    But I both love and adore them, and if they were to promptly leave this world one day, they would be missed terribly.

    My very best wishes to you, your Grandfather, and your family.

  17. Praying for you all, downloaded your sampler, you certainly do have a lovely voice

  18. all the best with your granddad.
    from my limited knowledge of surgery to help clogged arteries, and possible rupture etc etc, to help the clogged ones, stents are the least invasive....
    and given your concern about his health condition, going the less invasive first would be better, if things don't improve, then either.... let it be, or get open heart done.
    either way, tough situation, and i hope him and your family the best with it.

  19. Nikki, I hope things are ok. I'm praying that your grandpappy will be ok; good and healthy.